Firewall

So apparently, I’m a pretty private person. I’ve never considered myself a secret keeper – ok I have, but not my own. I thought my face was an open book and I’d gladly give my opinion. But I have been informed that I am indeed tight lipped about everything, unless the information is requested. I’m not sure why this is so.

I have a few guesses…

Reasons I Don’t Speak :

- I assume my mom has already told you.

- I assume you’ve over heard my mom tell somebody else. Multiple times.

- I forget who I tell what, so in an attempt to save you from having to hear the story twice and awkwardly [insert emotion] again I just don’t.

- I am a terrible storyteller unless I’m reading from a book. (no really I suck at it, my retellings are filled with flat affect in an attempt to discover the listeners true emotions about whatever it is I’m telling without me leading them from my own perspective – also I’m forgetful and distracted easily so my stories are filled with uhhs and umms. It’s awful.)

- I guess I’m an in the moment kinda person. In English class, we would always start a conversation and I would have a good point but I’ve been trained to not interrupt or cut people off, however the next person would always change the subject so I’d never get to say my awesome point. If the moment/topic passes I’m not bringing it back up until it’s back. If something isn’t bothering me anymore I’ve forgotten about it – and I get over stuff pretty quickly – if I’m not laughing anymore I’ve forgotten about it (but I’ll usually relaugh at it later and then you’ll hear my lame story of why I’m laughing and you wont find it funny at all).

- If I’m excited about something it’s usually not as cool as I think it is so other people fail to achieve the level of my excitement and they just ruin it for me – so I stay super excited on the inside and save all this excited energy so nobody can steal it from me.

- usually who ever I’m talking to has something more interesting then whatever it is I have to say so I’d rather listen to them.

- I tend to get ignored when I speak so in order to avoid the pain of being rejected I just stand to the side and let others fill the silence – unless it truly is silent then I’ll tell you a lame story that I happen to be thinking about and then it gets awkward .

- I don’t like to gossip, especially about other people. I’ve noticed the way I look at people changes after somebody as told me something about them. I don’t mean to judge, and I don’t love them any less but my opinion is forever altered. I don’t want other people to base their opinions off of mine so I hold my words. If they ask it then I’ll give it – or if something just happened that made me angry I usually can’t hold it in.

- I hate being judged for stuff I say – especially because most of what I say can only be applied to that exact moment. I constantly change some of my opinions and can see both view points (most of the time).

- I hate being repeated. (see above) I think this stems from hearing my mom repeat events and quote people and mess it all up, so when people tell my version it’s not how I meant it at all. Also, when I play translator I always misconstrue whatever it is they say, it’s fun.

- I hate being over heard – (see above) I say stupid stuff all the time and don’t even remember saying it, and I’m sarcastic. Yet strangers don’t know that so they can pull all the wrong conclusions from my mouth.

- I find myself very annoying, so to save people from my annoyance I avoid subjecting them to my words.

- I don’t find my own life interesting. I figure you don’t want to hear about it.

I’m not exactly sure why I don’t openly share stuff. I dunno know if I’ve always been like this or if I changed at one point. Chances are the answers are in my childhood, they always are – which I’ve forgotten- I wonder if that’s why all my teachers were worried about me? I’m guessing it developed as some form of defense mechanism – ‘if you don’t know then you can’t hurt me’ – or it’s genetic. None of my family really tells me anything, but is it because they are private or because I am?

Whatever the case if it seems like I’m keeping something from you (you being the general audience, not specifically the one person that reads this blog) it’s not because I don’t want to tell you it’s because it doesn’t occur to me that you’d want to know. I’m pretty open about anything you want me to tell you, you just have to ask – with just you in the room.