Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wavering Decisions

I’m still unsure about this whole blog thing. I mean I like reading other peoples blogs and would love to demand that others post blogs, but I dunno about my blog. Probably goes back to the whole privacy issue I seem to have. I don’t like people reading what I write, not because I don’t think it’s decent but because I think they think it’s crap but won’t tell me. Also that they’ll judge me.

I was looking over my old blog that I started at JTCC it was fairly decent. I don’t think anybody read it but me and I liked it that way, besides I had a different name, I could write whatever I wanted and nobody knew it was me. I might go back to
that way of blog life, so if my blog suddenly disappears you’ll know why.

This would also avoid the whole ‘what! you didn’t tell me that!!’ fiasco that I always get in trouble with. Instead of ‘I thought my mom told you’ it’ll be ‘I thought you read my blog’ which is one of the reasons I don’t advertise that I have a blog.

Actually, that’s just an excuse as to why I don’t advertise that I have a blog, I’m not sure why I don’t tell people. Probably just my privacy thing. :-P



But I do love writing. I have an expansive collection of topics. So for now I will leave it how it is and attempt to regularly update this joker ... be we shall see.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Just Like my Dad

Happy Fathers Day

I know I’m early but the chances of me remembering to post this are very slim.

I love my dad. I can’t say he’s the best dad ever, but he’s definitely one of my favorites. I think I’m a lot like him. Which is funny because I use to claim we were nothing alike! I often wonder what he was like before he met my mom, before 11 kids got to him, before he got old. Did he always act like this, or was it the years that molded him into who he is now? Was he the same type of dad to my older sisters? Or was he more protective? Was he more or less stern? More fun? I guess we all wonder what our parents were like before they were parents.

My dad is pretty difficult to describe. He doesn’t talk much, but when he does it’s usually something funny or rude, maybe you’ll get an answer to a question. If he doesn’t want to agree to something he won’t answer.

Example : Me: Hey Dad, can I use your car to go to Vegas and attempt to increase your retirement fund or at least buy enough booze to get some rich sucker to secure my future with a signed marriage license?
Dad: …. [breathes deeply]
Me: Is that a yes?
Dad: errgh
Me: Sounds like a yes to me. Where are the key’s?
Dad: uggghhh – how long you think you’ll be gone?

If he doesn’t have an opinion he refuses to decide.

Example:
Me: What do you want for dinner, subs or burgers ?
Dad: yeah.
Me: what do you want on your burger?
Dad: sure.
Me: ketchup? musterd? pickles? Chocolate syrup?
Dad: whatever.

Me: what movie do you want to watch?
Dad: whatever
Me: which one [hands him a chick flick, an animated, a superhero, a endoftheworld, and a cops and robbers movie]
Dad: just put one it [hands me the top one without looking]
Me: [puts in the little mermaid]

He usually responds in grunts and vowels. My sister, Jenn, and I think he’s a pirate caveman. He watches Jeopardy but doesn’t shout out the answers … unless it’s a hard or ‘interesting’ question and he likes to show off. He can fix any car … well he can tell you what’s wrong with it at least and then decide whether or not he wants to fix it. He gives some great hugs. He loves my mom and puts up with all her crazys. He is a horrible procrastinator, and he covers it well – he’ll work on other stuff that needs to be done but really he’s just pushing off whatever it is he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t sing along to the radio, but you know he’s listening because he turns the station when an annoying song comes on. He has road rage but doesn’t verbalize it. He hates the city. He turns a different race in the summer. He’s learned that kids need to make their own mistakes. He’s a Chevy man. He can dance, but only when his wife makes him. He likes the clean air of silence. He doesn’t usually offer up information without being asked. He’s impatient. He loves his kids, and grandkids. Some things can’t be expressed in words. I mean how can I convey the awesomeness that is him. He grills these perfect burgers that can’t be duplicated because he never remembers exactly what he put on them. He has these wordless conversations, you know what he wants to say but he doesn’t want to say it because it’s not what you want to hear so he refuses to answer hoping that the issue will be dropped. He drives with the windows rolled down and a cigarette in this mouth, one hand on the wheel. He’s addicted to coffee and gets offended when you wash his mug, claiming you just washed away the flavor. He’s perfected the art of oooing and ahhing over a scribbled coloring book. He reads anything he picks up, including Harry Potter, and finishes it in record timing. He pulls out loose teeth now matter how squirmy the kid is. He treats my friends like their his own – even if he’s just met them. And he’ll always have you’re back. See this still pales in comparison ...



He stood behind a towheaded shrimp, barely tall enough to reach the stove; a griddle stretched between the burners with two gooey saucer sized puddles cooking. “No not yet, you have to wait until a lot of bubbles start popping up before you can flip it. That’s how you know it’s done.”

The thick nightgown clung to the soggy little girl. She stood in front of his chair with her head flipped over and her hair hanging in her face. The man took the towel and started scrubbing her head. She stood close to the wood stove, absorbing the heat as the towel soaked up all the water.

It was still dark outside when the sleepy blonde slowly climbed down the stairs. She drudgingly dragged her tired body to the chair where her clothes were laid out the night before. “Daddy, can you help me?” She starts to pull of her nighty but it gets stuck on her head and arms, swiftly he rescues her flailing limbs. His rough hands curl up the stockings so she can slip her feet in and pull them up. The dress falls perfectly over her head and his bulky hands fasten the tiny buttons.

The old man comes through the door and drops the blue lunch pail on the shelf. He slowly crosses to his chair, sinks into the worn cushions, and releases his tired feet from their personal prisons and leans back. He doesn’t even remember closing his eyes but seconds later a deep snore rings threw the living room.

Impatiently she stands by the counter. Frustration is clearly written across her face. He watches her stomp back to her room. The sound of the clock hangs in the air. An older version of the girl hustles in the kitchen and grabs a stack of papers and a coffee cup. He hears the thundering steps of the annoyed blonde. She attempts to escape out the door but he blocks her path and wraps her in a hug.

Nope, snap shots don’t work either. I guess you’ll never know. But he’s pretty fantastic. I love you Dad.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Tales of the Traveling Miscreant





I hate this job. I am currently working as an independent merchandiser. I’ve been around merchandising since I was like 10 or 11, I can remember working on some lame reset since on my 12th birthday. Mom has forcibly dragged me to stores to help since she’s started this mess. When I turned 18 I was officially hired on and actually got a pay check. I still didn’t like it, but I liked the money so I didn’t mind working. But now that I have my degree I hate it. Not so much the work it’s self – ok yeah the work too – but just the being gone all the time and probably being stuck with my mom 24/7. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my mom, but being in the same room for such a long period of time kinda drives me insane. I’m not sure why but I get so frustrated and grumpy. It’s awful.
For those of you who don’t know what merchandising is, I basically go into different stores and do different things. Mostly resets. Recently I’ve been in Staples helping with complete remodels, Martins messing up the cookie and cracker resets, and pet smarts with the cat and dog food (killer). So I go in a store mess up the set and then put it back how it’s suppose to go. It just depends on what I’m doing that week because I could be just auditing a store or putting up a display.
It’s not the traveling that I hate, because I love to travel. I think it’s more that I want to do something that means something – to me merchandising doesn’t matter. I want a job that I’m passionate about. I’ve been trying to be patient … some days are better then others. A lot of days I question my psych degree. I question my ability. I question my sanity. I know that God has it all planned out, that I was meant to study psychology and I will be great at whatever He has planned for me, and He will put me in the field He wants me and I just have to trust Him. I think I have a problem with trust.
Thankfully I shouldn’t be doing much merchandising for a while so I can focus on finding something I want to do, not just something that is available and pays.

Firewall


So apparently, I’m a pretty private person. I’ve never considered myself a secret keeper – ok I have, but not my own. I thought my face was an open book and I’d gladly give my opinion. But I have been informed that I am indeed tight lipped about everything, unless the information is requested. I’m not sure why this is so.

I have a few guesses…

Reasons I Don’t Speak :

- I assume my mom has already told you.

- I assume you’ve over heard my mom tell somebody else. Multiple times.

- I forget who I tell what, so in an attempt to save you from having to hear the story twice and awkwardly [insert emotion] again I just don’t.

- I am a terrible storyteller unless I’m reading from a book. (no really I suck at it, my retellings are filled with flat affect in an attempt to discover the listeners true emotions about whatever it is I’m telling without me leading them from my own perspective – also I’m forgetful and distracted easily so my stories are filled with uhhs and umms. It’s awful.)

- I guess I’m an in the moment kinda person. In English class, we would always start a conversation and I would have a good point but I’ve been trained to not interrupt or cut people off, however the next person would always change the subject so I’d never get to say my awesome point. If the moment/topic passes I’m not bringing it back up until it’s back. If something isn’t bothering me anymore I’ve forgotten about it – and I get over stuff pretty quickly – if I’m not laughing anymore I’ve forgotten about it (but I’ll usually relaugh at it later and then you’ll hear my lame story of why I’m laughing and you wont find it funny at all).

- If I’m excited about something it’s usually not as cool as I think it is so other people fail to achieve the level of my excitement and they just ruin it for me – so I stay super excited on the inside and save all this excited energy so nobody can steal it from me.

- usually who ever I’m talking to has something more interesting then whatever it is I have to say so I’d rather listen to them.

- I tend to get ignored when I speak so in order to avoid the pain of being rejected I just stand to the side and let others fill the silence – unless it truly is silent then I’ll tell you a lame story that I happen to be thinking about and then it gets awkward .

- I don’t like to gossip, especially about other people. I’ve noticed the way I look at people changes after somebody as told me something about them. I don’t mean to judge, and I don’t love them any less but my opinion is forever altered. I don’t want other people to base their opinions off of mine so I hold my words. If they ask it then I’ll give it – or if something just happened that made me angry I usually can’t hold it in.

- I hate being judged for stuff I say – especially because most of what I say can only be applied to that exact moment. I constantly change some of my opinions and can see both view points (most of the time).

- I hate being repeated. (see above) I think this stems from hearing my mom repeat events and quote people and mess it all up, so when people tell my version it’s not how I meant it at all. Also, when I play translator I always misconstrue whatever it is they say, it’s fun.

- I hate being over heard – (see above) I say stupid stuff all the time and don’t even remember saying it, and I’m sarcastic. Yet strangers don’t know that so they can pull all the wrong conclusions from my mouth.

- I find myself very annoying, so to save people from my annoyance I avoid subjecting them to my words.

- I don’t find my own life interesting. I figure you don’t want to hear about it.

I’m not exactly sure why I don’t openly share stuff. I dunno know if I’ve always been like this or if I changed at one point. Chances are the answers are in my childhood, they always are – which I’ve forgotten- I wonder if that’s why all my teachers were worried about me? I’m guessing it developed as some form of defense mechanism – ‘if you don’t know then you can’t hurt me’ – or it’s genetic. None of my family really tells me anything, but is it because they are private or because I am?

Whatever the case if it seems like I’m keeping something from you (you being the general audience, not specifically the one person that reads this blog) it’s not because I don’t want to tell you it’s because it doesn’t occur to me that you’d want to know. I’m pretty open about anything you want me to tell you, you just have to ask – with just you in the room.