Conundrum

I don’t know what to do with my life. My contract is up in May / June and I’m undecided as to whether I want to apply for another year or not. Usually my decisions are based on somebody else deciding for me, or bubble gumming it (or train#9). This being one of the bigger life decisions I’ve decided to ask you reader(s) to carefully review my pro & cons list and add your perspective.

Camfel
Pros
- A paying job
- Free rent & food & insurance
- I get to travel
- Varity
- No set schedule
- Easy, somewhat boring life
- I like setting up
- Random days off
- Meeting new people
- No real worries or deadlines
- I’d have another year to work on my ‘camfel’ goals
- Most hotels usually have a fitness room (not that I always use it)
Cons
- I miss my friends
- I can’t have a ‘real’ life
- I miss belonging to a church
- I miss real food.
- I’m tired of living out of van/suit case.
- I don’t want to HAVE to drive.
- I could end up with a crappy partner
- I could end up in LA again
- It’s another year away from my psych stuff
- Not paying to do laundry

Not Camfel
pros
- I can have a life (sort of)
- Friends
- Family
- I’d be able to find a more scheduled job … hopefully
- I could find a psych related job
- I could possibly find a higher paying job
- I’d be able to cook and bake real food
- pets
- church family
- run the lane
cons
- Back to job hunting
- I have to pay for gas/insurance/food
- No guarantee that I can find a job
- I’d have to decide where to live
- I could end up merchandizing again
- having an even worse job
- Back to crappy internet


Do you have anything that to add that will help me decide? Based on numbers alone it looks like another year with Camfel…

Sun Seeker

I love the heat of the sun. I should rephrase. I don’t like being swallowed up in an overwhelmingly sticky heat and blistering sun, but I like being warmed by it. When I lived in New York the house always seemed to trap the cool air inside so on Saturday mornings, in-between cartoons, I would drag my little pink quilt outside and lay on the warmed cellar door, just soaking up the warmth of the sun. In the afternoons I would have a picnic on the front (or back) lawn, occasionally lugging my stuffed animals with me. Or I would read on the porch roof.

Even when we moved to the hot sticky summers of Virginia I sought out the sun. I would sit in the pool reading a book in order to soak up the rays and stay cool. In the spring, fall, or evenings I would lay on the trampoline or grass and take a nap. Or if it was too hot or too cold to be outside I would perch myself in the window with a book or homework. When I lived in Farmville my bed was right next to the window and I’d lay with my face in the sun either to read or nap. Needless to say I was usually sun burnt and frequently found new freckles.

This is what I was thinking about in the car today as I drifted into unconsciousness. Periodically I would wake up and readjust as we went around a curve or when the sun sunk behind a cloud. And I realized - Oh noz I’m a cat.

Through Painted Deserts

“In the Mojave, we felt as though we were traveling through the desert in an oven. Joshua Tree National Park was on our left for miles, and I kept thinking about Bono and the boys, hiking up the hills in black and white. We moved out of the desert and turned north into the Sierra Nevada. I confess California has taken me by surprise. Not having been here, all I knew of the state was Los Angeles, the Lakers and Hollywood, and smog and surfers. But there are mountains here, an impressive range, and the brown of the desert gives way to green, rolling green hills fed by creeks running over boulders, splashing down through pastures where sheep graze. The Sierra Nevada has towering peaks that would give the Rockies a run. We slope slowly through meadows, the mountains in the distance, the deserts behind us. Mike had told me about the mountains in California, but I never imagined them to be so majestic.” ~ Donald Miller Through Painted Deserts

I wish I could write my adventures like this. Through Painted Deserts is a written portrayal of Don and Paul’s journey from Texas to Oregon. Miller is an awesome writer. He has the ability to almost ramble on for pages about nothing in particular and yet manages to talk about so much. I love the paragraph above; it’s what I wish I could write. Instead I come up with intense insights like “California is soo pretty. And it’s different from the east coast and once you get away from LA I actually like it a lot.” – yeah I defiantly need to hone my writing ‘skills’ more. But I wanted to share this snippet with you because it describes my feelings exactly – at least for one of our trips to a school in the middle of nowhere. Except for the heat – we mostly had air conditioning – except when we were overheating. As much as I complained about California I didn’t hate it. I loved spending everyday with Rosita and the background was beautiful. I just can’t get over being stuck in HOURS of traffic every day.

What’s next?

A reoccurring question for many. Where do I go from here? I could literally go anywhere and do anything … within reason – no actually I could do anything. But what? That is the ultimate problem, what’s next? Near the end of May my contract with Camfel will be over. I should probably start figuring out where I go from there. Do I want to tour again or find a job somewhere else? I know my friends and family in VA want me to move back home. But I dunno if home is where God wants me. I don’t know what God has in store for me and He hasn’t been too forthcoming with answers. I suppose I should probably start the application rounds again. I hate filling out applications.
The nuisance is more that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know whats next, what I want to do, where I want to live, it all sounds good and I’m terribly indecisive. I’m jealous of people who know their dream and know what they want to do. They have something to work towards, to strive to. I just want to love life, and I’m pretty content in most circumstance. But at the same time I feel blessed that I’m not tied down and I’m not struggling towards what seems like an unreachable dream. I can go anywhere. I can start over somewhere new and I only have the looming college debt hanging over my head. The opportunities are basically endless. And I want to seize the freedom while it lasts; I’m not gonna be a single, duty free 22 year old forever. It’s pretty sweet … now I just need to figure out what I want to do. Anybody want to job hunt for me??????

I guess I’ll start with a opportunity list … or maybe a dream list? future list? … or maybe a list of things to call my ‘what to do next’ list?

Old Post never posted : West to East

[on the way to Alaska] I am currently on a plane over the mountains of Cali. I didn’t think the sunrises of Cali could get more beautiful but watching the sun explode into the sky as the airplane ascended into the air was gorgeous. And then when we burst through the cloud cover and the real sun rays hit, it literally hurt my eyes and I wasn’t even in the direct sunlight. Then the sun reflecting off the water, it’s really hard to describe and I was in an aisle seat sooo no pictures. But going above the mountains is a lot more enjoyable then driving through them.
So this is it. I’m headed out of Cali. Finally!! I’m rather sad to be leaving my best friend, but at the same time it’ll be good to get away. We’ve literally spent EVERY day and EVERY hour together for the past 3 months. I’m gonna miss her. But I am excited about working with a new partner. But sad to, we’ll have to relearn a new pattern and adjust to working together. But Rebekah is awesome and I can’t wait to see the East Coast with her.
I loved my first semester at Camfel, and as excited as I am to be getting out of Cali I’m sad to see the semester end. I’m gonna miss making dinner with Rosita, “arguing” about everything, dancing in the van … and kitchen, and during shows. I’m gonna miss CCV, the awesome weather of California, in-n-out, not living out of a van and seeing the mountains every morning. I won’t miss LA traffic, getting up at crazy hours in the ‘morning’, working in the office, and the small shower. Yeah I’m happy to get back to the east coast.
[writing from Long Island] Ok as much as it kills me to admit it … I miss Cali. :-P
Don’t get me wrong it feels GREAT to be back ‘home’. To see trees and grass and snow and the Atlantic and sheets and wawa and dunkin donuts and chicken salad! It’s funny how different it is and impossible to describe the difference. But I do miss the flip flop weather and … ok that’s it. :-P And as much as I hate to admit it I could totally live in Cali – in a non-LA trafficked area! … except it’s WAY too far from friends. I miss everybody something awful.

Alaskan Travels

So I started a “good-bye first semester camfel post”, and never finished it and then I started some Alaskan posts and never finished them. But I want to share some of my Alaskan adventures so I’ll try to type something out completely. First of all it was freezing cold!! And I know you’re like “yeah, duh!, it’s ALASKA” but no, it’s Freezing! The first days weren’t bad, a little chilled when the wind blew but then the temperature dropped into the negatives and it was ‘don’t-even-bother-going-outside’. Generally I’m a cold person in normal cold temperatures, but the negatives made me never want to even try going outside. … ok some of that was the fact that I’m lazy and didn’t want to get dressed to leave the house but whatever :-P. And my feet were always cold. I’d try to get one of the kids or dogs to sit on them to warm them up, the dogs were usually willing space heaters … the kids not so much, they’d complain that I was making them cold.
Anyways, Alaska is beautiful. Even in the cold winter. The view from the sky was awesome; sadly I couldn’t take pictures because I had an aisle seat for most of it. Naturally everything is covered in snow and the air holds the bitter crisp of winter which settles a hazy fog over the limited hours of sunlight. I love going outside and playing in the snow and feeling the warm sun on my cold face and being blinded by the white glimmering world. But it’s impossible to enjoy the snow when it’s negative and the fog freezes on your glasses and the sun doesn’t warm your face. Although the dancing ice crystals are pretty. I did get to go ice skating – a lot. And bowling, and shopping, and a tour a glass making/ art gallery type deal. Mostly I just enjoyed my time with the Stimpful family. I loved playing games, watching shows, dancing (or what I like to call dancing), bothering each other, playing barbies and the wii, fighting over the front seat, baking yummy treats, chasing the northern lights, staying up late and sleeping in. It was awesome.
The only thing that I did not like about spending Christmas in Alaska was breaking down. We were on the way to pick up one of Kaytie’s friends and then hit up the ice rink when the battery volts quickly started going down. It was the alternator dying. At least this time I wasn’t stuck in the middle of nowhere, we weren’t too far from home, however it was –15 and the window wouldn’t roll up. It turned out ok, one of their friends towed us home and we pushed the truck into the garage.
Also I hated leaving. I hate saying goodbye … and packing. But the plane ride into anchorage was beautiful. The moon was bright and the air was clear so I was able to watch the town as we took off. I saw the endless territory of white bliss and the rivers that cut a path. I could see the lights of the coal train as it pulled through the terrain and headlights that guided the cars through the icy path. It was cool, but next time I visit it will be during the summer time!

It's been about a year

I guess a nostalgic 2011 and a hopeful 2012 post is required. I loved 2011, 2010 was good but very stressful. 2011 was just plain awesome. I have so many memories and so many firsts that will forever be locked in 2011 … except my memory is whack and I’ll probably forget all the ones that I don’t have photos to remember by. I probably won’t remember the tons of hotels I stayed in. I won’t remember the tons of stores I worked in, or the schools for that matter. I doubt the exhausting pet smarts will stay and the week working in NYC. A dust cloud will settle over the sleepless visits to Longwood and the trips to visit with sisters and nieces and nephews. A fog will capture the hot summer with an overheating neon and endless nights talking to friends. Stephs wedding will become a blur and what happened at the beach house will wash away with the waves. Graduation is a distant achievement and the hours logged as a camfel tech will blend. 2011 will be remembered as one of the best years of my life and the excruciating days will fade to nonexistence. This past year will be one I will forever relive… “remember that one time we…” “when I lived in Cali for a season…” “when I worked in NYC for that week…” “while I was working for camfel…” “during my LU graduation…” “At Steph’s wedding…” “remember that time I came and visited you…” “Hey! I’ve been there!”

As for the expectations of 2012. I’m too realistic to make resolutions because I don’t keep them – like my first semester Camfel goals – yup not any tanner (who didn’t see that coming) - I haven’t written more – and failed at learning the guitar (not my fault I tried but didn’t have a teacher and no internet) – my British accent was a bust – I’m continually learning more about Jesus so that one was a success. :D
But I still have high hopes for 2012. I don’t know what to expect, there’s a lot of unknown that’s hidden in this new year, I guess that’s true for anybody right? I’m excited to see what adventure God has planned next. For now I’m content knowing there will be new memories, more laughter, strangers becoming friends, lots of love, and joy in every situation.